• Budge

Halfway there... wait, what?

Updated: Sep 8, 2020

What better time for a check in? We're halfway through treatment. Technically, 5 of 8 have been administered, and by the time I get this post out to you beautiful people, I'll be moments away from chillin' at home with my chemo pump and a doobie - enjoying another beautiful night alive. To every single person who has shown my wife, our family, and myself so much love and support through all of this madness; thank you. From the bottom of our hearts, we appreciate every single ounce of your energy and love that you've shared with us on this journey. It's crazy, but Sunday we celebrate Mother's Day and 4 months since my diagnosis. It's mind-bending to think about how different life looks right now than it did on NYE. Oh, how things have changed.

Even with all of the changes we've faced, one thing has always continued to remain the same - life is as beautiful as it's ever been. Sure, I am dealing with a little extra shit right now, but I am so fucking lucky. Yes, I have cancer - but I have an opportunity to do something about it. I have the best in the game at my side, making sure we get all this nasty crap out of my body, and we can carry on living a happy and healthy life for many years to come. Sure, this is a tough time, it is for all of us. This is also a time when it's important to remember just how blessed I really am in all this. The fact that I am even alive and able to share these words with you is magic enough for me to want to keep going. I could have died long before I was given the opportunity to kick the shit out of cancer, and I am still here. Still fighting. What a damn miracle it is to be alive. Sometimes it can be very scary - it's emotional, it's challenging, and it makes me want to cry sometimes (and believe me, I do). On the other side of the coin, I can think about the people out there who don't have anyone by their side while they fight, and my heart breaks for them. I am so grateful for the love I have been afforded in my life.

So again, we're halfway there. Has it been easier or harder than you thought it would be? YES. Both. It has been much less devastating to my body than I originally anticipated, as Dr. Kim really drove home the potential side effects and I was expecting to be one step away from death during chemo. It's been quite the opposite for the most part. I am keeping my weight on decently, which was a big concern, but I've already eaten more in 2020 than I did in the entire year of 2019. Easily. I'm feeling stronger than I have in as long as I can remember most of the time, and I have really been managing the nausea and other side effects quite well. A few of the other lovely experiences I am having are sensativity to cold temperatures, anything cold feels like it's shocking me. Liquids feel like I'm drinking static electricity and it'll make my throat feel like it's closing up. Weird, but I can deal with that. After dealing with a golf-ball sized tumor in your stomach for a year, a little nausea and vomiting doesn't even kind of phase you. The first time I take a bite out of anything, I get an incredibly sharp shocking pain in my jaw and face, and that radiates into my eyes - where tears can again feel like an electric shock through the nerves in my eyes and face. It's a fucking trip. Again, after dealing with the brutal pain and misery that I was dealing with, I was prepped for a physical battle. Little did I realize that my greatest obstacle would be my own mind in all of this. Well, to be fair, it's the toxic chemicals they're injecting into my heart that's really messing with my mind, but it's been messing a whole world of struggle that I have never before navigated.

Looking at the situation, it's real easy to see how I can be feeling depressed sometimes with all this fun stuff going on. There's a global pandemic that decided to break out just after I had stomach surgery to get rid of cancer. That's fucked, huh? I totally agree, but I also know that I can handle this and I can get through this, and I will most definitely come out on the other side of this in a much evolved place compared to where I started. I am writing a blog called "Obnoxiously Optimistic" and I've been spending a lot of time "Disturbingly Depressed" which has made it difficult to launch this damn site at all. It's been a fucking mess, but we're getting through it - thanks to my incredible wife, my momma and poppa, and my little brother being right by my side every step of the way. That incredible wife of mine has been away for about a week to wrap up her school and work obligations, and it's been the longest and toughest week I've had in a while. Luckily, she will be back soon since she's kicking ass like usual. I love that woman so much, and I have no idea where this would all be without her. I would be in a different space, that's for sure. Thanks babe.

The support has been undying, and even then, it has been such an intense battle from a mental aspect. It's been unlike anything else I have ever experienced, and the craziest part is that although I am writing this with a clear head and a boat load of good vibes coming out of my fingertips - there is a good chance I will hit a wall in the next couple of days. At the same time, I might just keep cruising. It seems like everytime I have this whole thing "figured out" this whole thing decides to flip my brain upside down and fuck with my emotions like a bad ex-boyfriend. It's batshit crazy how far apart I am feeling myself, but I think it is so important to feel and acknowledge every single step of the way. It has been a full tour of the spectrum of human emotions, and sometimes the tour can be completed within hours. It's a thing of beauty, although sometimes it doesn't feel that way. I really do believe that there is a damn good reason for all this, and a lot of great things will come from the pain that is being endured in these moments. All of these tears are the water that is nurturing the fruits of our labor. Fruits that are growing into delicious and nutritious fuel for our souls. For us, and for anyone who wants to share it.

Life is crazy. As beautiful as it is, it can be really difficult to navigate from time to time. Those are the times when we need to feel comfortable leaning on and learning from each other. Right now, for whatever the reason, I have been selected to go through this experience. I hope that every bit of strength I gain, every lesson learned, and every new thought created can be translated and tranferred to whoever needs it, in hopes that it makes their life just a little bit better. We live for each other. I am here to share my story, I am here to listen to yours. I am here to live life, and I want to inspire anyone I can to live theirs the truest they know how. You are the fuel that keeps me going, so let's keep this gravy train rollin'. There is absolutely no telling what the future holds for any of us. It could all be over tomorrow, or we could make it another 100 years. All that matters is that we spend every moment between now and our final breath living life with our hearts forward. I am confident in the brighter days ahead, but I have never been more grateful for the storm we are weathering right now.

Life is crazy. Life is a trip. Life is fucking beautiful. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Live it.

165 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Ma-lig-nant /məˈliɡnənt/

- (adjective) malevolent. (of a disease) very virulent or infectious. As silly as it may sound, I had no idea what that word meant until January 10th of this year. It's been 5 months (and one day) sin

Stay Grüvy

  • Facebook
  • Instagram